Many expressions often havea negative connotation. Given the societal
taboo against masturbation, no wonder it's been expressed as flogging,
beating, polluting, whipping, yanking, and "the secret vice."
Psychiatrist Thomas Szasz MD notes, "masturbation is the primary
sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease;
in the twentieth, it's a cure." Or, as Woody Allen says, "Don't
knock it, it's sex with someone you love."
Unisex Terms
wank, chuffed, wriggle, toss off, keep the census down, digitate,
frig or friggit, hand fuck, beat off, hand job, pocket pool/pinball,
touch myself or play with myself, spanked the monkey, wasted time,
one-handed exercise, hand jive, audition the finger puppets, couch
hockey for one, do handiwork, engage in safe sex, have it off, shaking
hands with the governor, pulling your own weight, have sex with someone
you love, hitchhike under the big top, get to know yourself, nerk
your throbber, null the void, oil the glove, play a little five-on/in-one,
play in a one-(wo)man show, play Uno, ram the ham, ride the great
white knuckler, self abuse, shag, self-service, shake hands with the
unemployed, solo sex, stir the yogurt, take matters into your own
hands, take part in population control, test your batteries, the art
of unisex, tickle my fancy, tweak your twinkie, wrist or arm aerobics,
appropriate the means, backstroke roulette, exercise your rights,
express yourself, fucking without complications, run off a batch by
hand, manual override, master bacon, closing the deal, getting comfortable,
getting in touch with my inner-self, hand to gland combat, single
dingles, take yourself in hand, warming up the altar boys dinner,
wax the Buick, whistling Dixie, winding the Wurlitzer, wrapping Grandmas
birthday present, summoning the Genie, negotiating a new contract,
addressing Congress, forestalling the Waterpik purchase, expressing
yourself, wrestling with your emotions, transferring data, Tweety
playing with Sylvester, solitaire, tossing it, rendezvous with Mr./Ms.hand,
rubbing the magic lamp, adjusting the fruit bowl, doin the Han
Solo, jerkin Jabbas chain, R2 your D2, flying the Millennium
Falcon, toying with your Death Star, oil Boba Fett, using the Force,
pat Yoda on the head, ignite the lightsaber.
Female Terms
Jill-off, finger or finger-fuck, monkey-finger or stinky-pinky (can
also refer to digital anal penetration), power-up the pink Power Ranger,
pet the bunny, sample the secret sauce, diddle, fondle the fig, rub
off, rub the tub, kneading your dough, pet my pussycat, drilling for
oil, take a dip in the lake, play the fiddle, play the pink oboe,
sift through the nest to find mama bird, tweak your twiddle, bobbin
Robins nobbin, play with the little man in the boat, pet the
Wookie, make mama happy
Male Terms
whack/jack/jerk off, bludgeon the beefsteak or beef-stroke-it-off
(stroganoff), beat it, beat my date, beat the stick/meat/dummy/baloney/bishop,
pull pudding or make instant pudding, dating Rosie or Rosie Palm and
her five sisters, meet Rosie Hancock, shock the monkey, play the skin
flute, blow your load, boxin the bald champ, buff the banana,
burp the baby or worm, butter the corn, choke Kojak/the chicken/the
sheriff (then wait for the posse to come), clean your rifle, spank
the frank, climb Mount Baldy, come into your own, made a milkshake,
cook the cream of cock, corral the tadpoles, crank the shank, crown
the king, battle the purple helmeted warrior of love, drain the monster,
five knuckle shuffle, flog the dog/hog/mule/dong, genitalic stimulation
via phallengetic motion, get a date with Slick Mittens, give it a
tug, go a couple of rounds with ol Josh, date Handrea or Palmela
or Fisty Palmer, grease the pipe, converse with the one-eyed trouser
snake, hold the sausage hostage, hump your hose, jack hammer, jazz/jizz
yourself, nugget juggle, knuckle shuffle on the ol piss pump,
make the bald man puke, mangle the midget, manipulate the mango, milk
the cow/lizard, Onans Olympics, pack your palm, paddle or paint
the pickle, peel the banana or chilies, diagnose your ManTool, tug-of-war
with the Cyclops, please your pisser, plunk your twanger, polish Percy,
polish the family jewels/the rocket/ the sword, pound the pud/bald-headed
moose, pound your flounder, pull off or pull rank, pull the 5-knuckle
shuffle or pull the cord/goalie/pole/pope/prick or pull taffy, pump
the python, punchin the munchkin, rope the pope/pony, sacrifice
sperm to the god of lonely nights, scour the tower of power, self-induced
penile regurgitation, shake hands with your John Thomas, shake hands
with your wifes best friend, shemp the hog, shift gears, shine
the helmet/pole, shoot putty, shoot the moon, shoot skeet, slakin
the bacon, slap high fives with Yul Brynner, slap the clown/donkey/pud/salami,
slappin Pappy, sling the jelly, snap the monkey/rubber/whip,
spank the monkey/salami, squeeze the cheese/juice, stoke or stroke
it, stroke the dog/one-eyed burping gecko/satin-headed serpent/your
poker, tease the weenie, tenderize the tube steak, testing testicles,
bashed the bishop, tickle the pickle, toss off or toss the turkey,
twang plumbs, thump the pump, varnish the flagpole, wack the weasel/Willie/one-eyed
worm, walk the plank/dog, wax your surfboard/dolphin/carrot, whip
cream or whip the dummy or whip your dripper, whizzin jism,
wonk your conker, wrestle the eel, wring out your rope, yank off or
yank the crank/plank/yoyo, beat Pete, bequeath your genes, bleed the
weed, bloating the vein, box the Jesuit, boxin the ballsack,
break one off, buck the bone, buff the banana/wood, bust a nut, butter
the corn, caulk the tile, charm the serpent/snake, check the oil,
chong your schlong, churning butter, conking the Cardinal, converse
with Harry Palm, cream the cheese, cream your corn/beef/jeans, crown
the king, cuff the carrot, diddling the dinky, discipline your soldier,
disobey the Pope, drain Charlies Dickens, educating Peter, empty
the cannon, erupting Vesuvius, evicting the testicular squatters,
facha la manuela, fire the flesh musket/hand-cannon/wobbly-warhead,
fist kebabing, flick your Bic/dick, flog the log, flub the dub, free
Willy, free the slaves, friendly fire, give it a tug, grease the pipe,
gripping flipper, hacerse la manuela, hacerse la paj, hand work, a
whack attack, hit on Rosy Palm, hitchhike under the Big Top, hump
the horn, hold the bold, hold the Mayo, jackhammer, jack the joystick,
jack your jizz, jack your monkey, Jackn the beanstalk, jalarle
el pescuez al ganso, Jerk the Turk, jerk your rope/noodle, juice your
fruit, knock on wood, launching the tadpoles, lightening the load,
lighting the candle, little pinky hit the slinky, make the bald man
puke, manistrupation, manually assisted wet dream, maximize your potency,
meet your right-hand man, messin with Moby, milk the maggot,
one-eye target practice, one-man show, pack your palm, paddle the
pickle, passing math, Pat the Robertson, perm your poodle, petting
the snake, play your Willy wanker, play a solo on your meat whistle,
play soapy Peter, please your pisser, plunk your twanger, polish your
antlers/horn, polishing Charlie Brown, polishing Percy, pound the
pelican, pow-wow the one-eyed redskin, prime the womb cannon, Puff
the one-eyed dragon, pull off, pull the ducks neck, pump the monkey,
pump the python, pumping at the self-service island, ride the great
white knuckler, Rolfing the Piglet, rough up the suspect, running
the whack-a-thon, Sailors joy or Salute the Sailor, sanding
the banister, schplitzing your schmeckel, shake the snake/weasel,
shakin hands with little Elvis or with Mr. Winkie or with the
unemployed, shakin your own maracas, shifting gears, shine the
barrel, shine your pole, shoe shine, shoot your squirt, shooting putty,
shuffle the deck, siphoning the tank, slammin the salmon, slam
the ham/salomi/spam, snuggle the nozzle, solo spit, spank the carrot/frank/tank,
spank the wank, spit one off or spit the seeds, sprayin the
spectators, sprinklin the lawn, squeeze the cheese, squeezing
the cream filling from the twinkie or squeezing the creamy filter,
squeezing the squid, squirt one off, squirtin Burton, stroking
Steven/Scooby, stroking the schlong, stroke your ego, taffy pulling
contest, taffy tugging, take a beating, take a load off, take ol
stiff neck to the movies, teach your dog to spit, tease the weenie,
test the flashlight, thump the pump, tickle your pickle, torment the
trouser trout, toss the ham javelin, train the love porpoise, tugging
the tapioca tube, tuning the fork, twirl the squirrel, unleash the
fury, unloading passengers from the five-car train, wanking one-eyed
Willy, wanking the one-eyed wonder worm, wasting babies, wave the
wand, wax the candle stick, wax the womb broom, whack little Mac,
whack your Magic Johnson, whip your dripper, whipping your Willy,
wringin the towel, yang your wang, yank off, yank the yam, yank
your wank, Yankee your Wankee, chafing at the bit, peeling some chilis,
5-knuckle shuffle, making fist-kabobs, sending out the troops, tugging
on the tapioca tube, in medical terms "having a little stroke",
teaching your children to fly, getting Putz Pez, sliding the shaft,
unstabling the stallion, upgrading your hardware, bachelors
shuffle, wanker the anchor, burping the chipmunk, singing with Rosie,
strumming the ol banjo, fucking Palmala, shaking hands with
the unemployed, whipping the baloney pony, shuffling the palm tree,
turning the earth worm into a spitting cobra, draining the one-eyed
monster, stroke the bloke.
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